2017- The Good and The Bad
Last year was filled with many ups and downs. Challenges are nothing new to my family and myself, but what I have been through in the last twelve months rivals everything I have dealt with in my life. 2017 did help me to become more mature however, and I feel it was the year that finally made me into a functioning adult. Still, it left a bad taste in my mouth and the sting of it has not gone away. Here is my personal roller-coaster ride of 2017.
New Year’s Resolution
At the start of 2017, I was in a low state of mind. I wasn’t working, I couldn’t get financial aid for school, and my music hadn’t gone the way I’d hoped. I felt like I was stuck in a rut that was becoming increasingly difficult to get out of. I had already endured this feeling in the previous year, but I decided I wasn’t going to let it creep up on me again. I decided to humble myself and start working at whatever job I could find. From there, I would set money aside for acting classes and wait until the next year to try again for college. I started the process of self-publishing my book. Finally, I began working towards something. It all seemed to be going well enough, and then it happened.
My Dad
Suddenly, my father fell ill. He had struggled with diabetes for most of his life, but it was under control due to him accepting the necessary dietary changes specified for him. Still, it must have worn him down over the years, and he was later diagnosed with congestive heart failure. I can barely express how troubling this was to hear. I knew that this type of affliction was one that was not reversible. All we could have done was slow down the rate in which it progressed, but no matter what we did, (prescription medication, natural herbs, stricter diet, bed rest), it almost seemed like his condition had a mind of its own and was determined to get worse. He could not work anymore, so I had to step up and help with the bills. Most of my money went to helping to keep a roof over our heads; the plans I had were halted, but that was not the foremost thing on my mind.
Once again, I had that feeling of being stuck, wishing I could do more for him but not being able to. My father and I were very close. He was my hero, and a constant pillar of strength. To watch the man who protected me my whole life gradually wear out, to see the life and vibrancy that was so bright in him slowly slip away was the most difficult thing I have ever witnessed. I had already lost my mother, and now I was losing him in the same way.
My Spiritual Walk
Just to clarify, a spiritual walk is the journey of faith, and the personal relationship one has with God according to the Christian faith. Consequently, losing both my parents in identical circumstances has indeed dampened my faith, and made me skeptical towards many of the ideologies I grew up with. Everything I learned about the power of God, (miracles, healing, wonders), became this hot button topic that I couldn’t understand and did not want to understand anymore. I found myself sifting through a flurry of emotions- anger, bewilderment, guilt, and regret to name a few.
Despite what I felt, there was still something in me that kept me adhered to my beliefs. Every now and then, a prayer would slip out. Old bible verses would ring through my mind to battle my thoughts of doubt. When scrolling through YouTube, I couldn’t help selecting the worship music playlists that popped up in my suggestions. With all the loss I have suffered over the years, I still cannot break away from the foundation I was raised on. Some would call me foolish for still believing in what I was taught, and maybe they are right. Whether it be because my father instilled this faith in me, or it be that I refuse to let go of something familiar to me in this season of unfamiliarity, I simply cannot walk away from it.
The Lesson
Overall, 2017 was a trying year. Aside from some of the issues in politics and society, e.g. Trump and racism, many have had their own problems that were difficult to power through. For me, it was my lack of success, my dad’s passing, and my wavering faith that I struggled with. However, some good can be salvaged. I am now working towards my goals of being an author, and though my father is gone, I will always have great memories of him as well as the wisdom he imparted to me while he was here. As for my faith, all I can say is that I choose to take it one step at a time. I will never have the answers as to why certain things happened, but I do know that it is my walk with God that sustains me despite whatever does happen. For others, their beliefs may be different, but the lesson is still the same. 2017 taught many how to endure.